Pregnancy after infertility and loss is complicated, or at least it was for me. On one hand I was so happy we were finally pregnant but at the same time I was terrified something was going to happen. I wish I could say that the terrified feelings faded with time but it was 38 whole weeks of back and forth between these two emotions for me.
I feel like infertility has robbed me of so many things. I wanted to be excited about the life growing in me, but instead I mainly found myself scared and anxious. I had a hard time sharing our news and even saying we were expecting out loud. I did not dare buy anything for our little peanut, or think about a nursery until very close to her arrival. When it was time for an ultrasound, instead of being delighted for an upcoming chance to see our babe, it would take me days to mentally prepare. For our 20-week anatomy scan I got a call that morning (which was a Friday) that the tech was sick and they had to reschedule for the next week. Normally this would be no big deal but, I kid you not, I had a full meltdown on the phone. I had to close my office door to muffle my crying. I had been mentally working myself up to going for about 3 days and the thought of rescheduling until the next week and starting all over again seemed unimaginable. Thankfully the clinic was able to shift a few things around and still get me in that day.
I had a hard time taking photos of myself, but looking back am sure glad I did. Sharing them was a different story. It took me until after Kadence was here for me to even look through them and do any editing. Other than Joel (who did a great job taking these for me!) I don't think anyone has even seen these. I had ordered the weekly cards when we found out we were pregnant the first time in 2019. They were in our spare room closet along with an empty pregnancy journal. I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to use them or if I needed to buy a second set. We were only 2 weeks away from using them the first time. In the end I decided to use them and will always remember when I initially bought them. The pregnancy journal is still completely empty. I opened it many times thinking I could bring myself to fill something out, but never could. I couldn't even write my name on the first page.
Even though I was pregnant, pregnancy announcements were still triggering for me (and honestly still are). I would see an announcement and others sharing their excitement and it would break my heart that I was more anxious than excited. This was all I had wanted for years now and it was happening, why was I not over the moon? Even after Kadence's arrival I was sad that I hadn't been more excited for her and was worried she would think I wasn't, which is the furthest thing from the truth.
I don't think I realized how much the impacts of infertility would stay with me even after we welcomed our baby girl. When we had trouble with breast feeding a nurse mentioned what had caused the infertility might also be impacting my ability to produce milk. I struggled a lot with this, disappointed that this was yet another way my body was failing as a mom. I couldn't get pregnant, stay pregnant or feed my baby, all things that my body was supposed to do naturally. In my brain I knew this was silly, but in my mama heart it was so hard. Now that we are 7 months postpartum I see things a bit more clearly and am so happy for our journey bringing K into the world (hence finally be ready to share these photos!)
I think I have accepted that infertility is something that is just part of my life. I knew the losses would always be with me, but I thought infertility was going to be something I was done with. I think being more aware of how it impacts me has helped me live with it. Not sure if others can relate, but that is why I think it is so important to share my journey.
I don't know if we are ever going to go through this wild ride again, so I am so glad I have these memories of me and my little sweetie. Or maybe we will, and I will have the courage to write my name on the first page of that pregnancy journal!
Comments