I go back and forth and back and forth about how to share my story, when to share my story, or whether I should share it at all ( ...or if you even care to hear my story?!)
After all of my back and forth I decided I do want to share and writing about it here is the best way I know how. Sharing in the past has led to connections with people going through similar experiences that I honestly can't imagine not being in my life today. You know who you are, and I couldn't have done this without you. There is still so much stigma around miscarriage and infertility. It is like a dirty little secret nobody wants to talk about, it is a club that so many of us belong to, but don't always know who else is in the "club." As hard as it is to open up, I think the only way to normalize it is to talk about it. So here it goes.
I had my first miscarriage in 2019. It hit me hard. I was so naïve: back then I really believed that two lines on a pregnancy test meant I was going to have a baby. After the loss I wasn't myself for a long time. I had to take time off work, isolated myself and really struggled to get back to normal (whatever normal is). I think before I was emotionally ready I decided the only way I was going to get over things was to get pregnant again (again so naïve to think that would be so easy). Jokes on me, that's when infertility showed it's ugly face. It was bad news month after month. Six months later it was time to reach out to my doctor and we were referred, 10 months later we were finally having some tests done to see what was up. Good news, they think medication will help, but after 4 months of medicated cycles no luck. It was time for a referral to Saskatoon for additional intervention...and luckily the wait wasn't too long.
At the end of 2021 we did our first IUI (Intrauterine insemination) cycle and a couple days after Christmas we got to see those two pink lines again. After 27 months of disappointment it was finally here. We were excited that it worked the first time, but knew there was still a long uphill battle...naïve no more. Unfortunately it didn't take long for the news to turn. After a number of blood tests the doctor sent me for an ultrasound. It was too early to tell if things were OK or not, so after more blood work and I think 2-3 more ultrasounds the doctor finally confirmed that we were going to have another loss. It was a long drawn out process of did it work, did it not work. I think it was easier this time as I am not sure I ever believed it was going to work out right from the beginning. I guess it is easier not to be disappointed when you were never really excited. Time to move on and try again....we tried 3 more IUI cycles but no luck.
Now it was time to move to IVF. It was scary (and expensive) but we knew this was our best shot. We started our egg retrieval cycle in August of 2022. At fist I was scared of the needles, but they became part of my routine pretty quickly and weren't really as bad as I thought they might be. It was the night before we were supposed to head to Saskatoon and I got a call from Joel....he did a different kind of test and unfortunately got those two pink lines (the ones nobody wants!) We were both terrified that this was going to jeopardize our cycle but luckily I left for Saskatoon, never got covid and Joel was well enough for his part of the cycle by the retrieval day. It wasn't easy spending the week in the hotel alone before the procedure, emotionally or physically, as I was pretty uncomfortable by this point. The actual procedure was not overly pleasant but it wasn't too bad, however the days after were quite uncomfortable. I am not sure I have ever felt so bloated in my entire life. I don't think I would be up to do this part again.
This is where our luck seemed to turn a corner. They retrieved 13 mature eggs, 9 were fertilized and 8 made it to day 5 blastocysts. We had decided early on to delay any transfers so that the embryos could be genetically tested. The 8 embryos were biopsied and sent away for testing. Four of the 8 came back as normal (which is pretty great results for someone of my age!) Again finally some good news for our journey. We had 4 good chances of getting pregnant!
We knew we didn't want to wait, and were able to schedule our first embryo transfer for the very next month. But because nothing on this journey can be easy, a couple of days before I was supposed to go for an ultrasound to see if I was ready I tested positive for covid (seriously could the timing get any worse!?) Again, we thought we might have to cancel because of damn covid. We were able to put the ultrasound off and by some crazy luck when I went the following week things were looking good and we could schedule the transfer for the next week. Our transfer was scheduled for the day after our wedding anniversary :)
We had a special dinner and a relaxed night planned for our anniversary so we were well rested and ready to head up to Saskatoon in the morning for the transfer. The universe seemed to have other plans for us...as always. Our dog Maurice had a weird twitch that wasn't going away so we cancelled our dinner plans so we could be with him. Later that night he had a seizure, bit me, and we spent most of the night at the emergency vet. So much for our restful night. They couldn't find out what was wrong with our little guy so after a night of crying I headed to Saskatoon with my Mom and Joel stayed with Mo. I was worried about the bite and thought we might have to cancel the transfer, but the doctor felt like we were still good to go ahead (as long as I didn't think Mo had rabies and that I went to a medicentre after to have it looked at). It broke my heart that Joel couldn't be there with me, but neither one of us was willing to leave Mo. Not too many people can say they conceived a child with their Mom in the room and their husband in a different city! Side note, Mo is doing well and the medication he is on has stopped his twitches and he hasn't had a seizure since that night (fingers crossed it stays that way.)
Ten days after the transfer it was time for a blood test to check to see if it had worked....and it had! Of course we were excited but with a great deal of reservation. A couple more blood tests and things were progressing as they should, is it ok to start getting excited? I know I still wasn't ready. That is when the bleeding started... The doctor sent me for more bloodwork which still showed progress as expected, but she wanted us to go for an ultrasound as well. We hadn't ever had a good ultrasound so you can imagine how nervous we were going in. The tech was pretty quiet and told us she would do some measurements and then show us. As she was doing her measurements we heard something printing, we never had anything to print in the past, this felt like it was going to be different. She then showed us the ultrasound and the flickering heartbeat. We kept it together until the end but definitely shed a few tears when she left the room, could it be different this time? We both hoped so.
We have had two ultrasounds since that first one and each time things are progressing just as they should be. It is hard to believe some days and I still find it hard to get excited because every day I am terrified that something is going to happen. We are now a few weeks into the second trimester and I am finally starting to be not so tired and not feeling so grossed out by most food. I can't imagine being so happy about feeling so crappy for so long! I have slowly started to tell more people and I think each time I accept it a little bit more myself.
We still have a long way to go on this journey and I am trying to be as positive as I can. I am beyond grateful to have the best partner in life I could ask for. I couldn't imagine going through this without the love and support that I feel each and every day. I also know how privileged we are to have gotten to this point financially. There are so many people this wouldn't have been possible for and that breaks my heart more than I can put into words.
July 2023 here we come. Four years of waiting, countless tears, and more needles than I like to think about but in the end it will all be worth it. We can't wait to meet our little babe and complete our family.
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