One in four. That is how many pregnancies end in a loss. I am one in four.With October being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month I felt that it was time for me to share my story. It has taken me all month to put words to paper (or I guess in this case my digital form of paper!), but I knew that this was something I had to do. There is still a stigma around miscarriage and loss and having experienced it myself I would say that stigma makes one of the hardest times of your life even tougher.
You don't know who to share it with, who to lean on, or what to do with all the emotions (and hormones) swirling around. I believe the only way to break this stigma is to talk about it, so here it is, as hard as it may be.I found out we were pregnant this summer, and even though we hadn't been actively trying to have a baby, we also weren't trying not to. The positive pregnancy test came as a surprise, but the best surprise I could have asked for. I was more exhausted than I even knew possible and I felt like I spent more time in the bathroom than anywhere else...but I knew it would be completely worth it. I went in for my first ultrasound a bit before I had hit the 12 week mark and was beyond excited, but also extremely nervous.
That is when everything changed. I could tell almost right away that something was wrong. After a couple of minutes, that felt like hours, they were unable to find a heartbeat and the baby wasn't measuring what they would have expected at 12 weeks. In one moment the dreams I had for a life with this baby were gone. The next 24 hours were some of the hardest hours of my life. I felt like I was in a dream, that none of this was real, and I felt more empty and numb than I thought possible. It was hard to imagine how devastated I was to lose someone I had never even met.
As if this wasn't enough, I now had to make a decision about what to do next. When you have suffered a missed miscarriage you basically have three options; wait until you miscarry naturally, taking medication to start the process, or undergoing surgery. After some thought and discussion I decided to undergo surgery, which couldn't be scheduled until the following week which was emotionally very challenging. I appreciated the conversations with others that had been through what I was feeling and I cannot express my gratitude enough to those that were willing to share their stories with me, you know who you are.
We had initially shared our news with our families and close friends, and even though it wasn't easy to tell them about losing the baby, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I knew there was a risk in sharing our news in the first trimester, but I felt that if something happened I would need these people, and I did (and still do). At first we mostly let people know via text message, but with time, I started to let those around me know a bit more about why I wasn't myself and the things I had been going through. The first time I said it out loud was tough, but this was now part of who I am and I didn't want to pretend it didn't happen.
I think because many people don't share their losses, people don't know how to react if you do choose to tell them. I have to admit before going through this myself I honestly didn't know what to do or say to someone that had suffered a miscarriage. I am sorry I wasn't there for them the way others have been there for me.
I know that everyone is different, but I want to share what I found comforting and supportive in my time of need:
• I'm sorry for your loss
• I'm here
• Know that you're not alone
• I'm sorry to hear this, I hope you're OK
Everyone is different and you need to take your cues from them, but I can honestly say from my experience that these were what I needed to hear at the time. I also appreciated people reaching out to say these things. One of the toughest things for me was those that said nothing at all. I am sure they meant well, and thought maybe it was easier for me, but it wasn't. I can also attest to any sentence that begins with "at least" does not bring comfort, for example, "at least you know you can get pregnant."
It has been a tough couple of months and I am grateful to those around me that have given me the time and support I needed. It hasn't been easy and I know that this experience has changed who I am. I will carry this with my for my life. I am still grieving and know it is going to take a long time to heal from this. As hard as it is to seek out help, I recognized I couldn't do it on my own and reached out when I needed it. I recommend this for anyone going though something that they are having a hard time dealing with.
Some might think I am sharing too much about my personal life in this post, but I share this with you in hopes that by raising awareness people won't have to feel so alone if they have the misfortune of this happening to them. I also share so that everyone can better support those around them if they are dealing with this type of loss in their lives.
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